Defenseless

I just had a good conversation with my online date. She said that I'm over-protective, unopen with my feelings, disrespectful towards people, over-demanding with people, and a loner with few friends. Whoa, that really blew all my armor away. I feel so vulnerable, I still feel the chills now. But that's good, at least I know what's wrong with me. I guess what she really wanted to say was that I have a fear of intimacy. Actually, I'm glad I didn't go out with her on Monday because it would just be an awkward dinner. At least now, after being shouted at, I know where my weakness is and where to improve.

Back Out

I backed out from the online date just now because I wasn't sure if she was a scam or not. I don't think it's usual for women to come out and meet a stranger after three days of MSN. Also, I just called her cellphone number that she gave me but she didn't answer. Then afterwards she called me with another number. Isn't that strange? Maybe she works for some triad organization who'll kidnap me and ask my family for ransom money. I think it's better to take it slowly by having two weeks of phone calls. In the meantime, I'll continue meeting strangers in the real world, as they're usually safer.

It's Been A While...

A couple of days ago, I started talking with a woman. Yesterday, I asked her out on a date and she said yes. We'll be meeting on Monday, which is TWO goddamned days later! I'm having freakin' panic attacks now and this'll extend for two whole days. Damn, I blanked out just now, not knowing what to write about. I hope this won't happen too much during the date. Calm down, calm down, I just need to be my best self, I just need to be my best self. As long as I don't ask her about her job, hobbies, and family tree, I should be fine.

Talking Is All Around

I've lost count of the number of strangers I've talked with during the last couple of days, but I estimate the number to be between 10 and 15. Some of the conversations are really short, while others are longer. Most of them are still males though, so that's the bad news. But the good news is that attractive women occasionally come to talk with me first.

This is an example from yesterday: I was walking as usual and three women, with baggages, were lost. I smiled a little at them and then the most attractive one asked me for directions. If I hadn't smiled or actively asked them if they were lost, I probably wouldn't get the chance to talk with them.

So far, it's still difficult for me to grab the opportunity to talk with women. However, when I see men in sticky situations (e.g. still sleeping on the last subway station of the train ride), I will talk to them briefly (e.g. wake them up before the train traps them and goes into repair). I believe all this active talking with strangers (including men) will lead to somewhere. At least next time when I see an attractive woman, I'll have a higher probability of approaching her.

As for the progress of my novel, I currently wrote 31120 words for my first draft. I'm not done yet. The final draft will have to be between 80000 and 100000 words if it is to be published.

P.S. Some women or people are quite difficult to talk with. I'm not saying that they're rude, quite the opposite. They're very friendly, but it seems like the conversations are forced and don't link up like a chain. However, I can tell there are some who use subtle tactics to make you feel at ease and to make lots of conversational topics pop up in your mind. I'm still trying to acquire that skill from Neil Strauss (the world's #1 PUA).

Risk-Taking

I've been told a couple times that I'm boring. The first time was in high school and the last time was less than two weeks ago. I used to get quite angry and sad because I thought they were attacking me personally. But I've read a book a couple days ago that talked about the things a man should do before he dies and I realized what I've been missing all this time: taking risks. I've been living in the safe region for a long time, but now I've compiled a list of things that I really want to do:

1. Participate in a wargame.
2. Make a funny pose in a photo-shoot.
3. Ride a real rollercoaster.
4. Watch the sunrise with someone I love and have sex afterwards.
5. Have sex in the park, in the public washroom, on the hood of a stranger's car, on the rooftop under the stars, on the ferris wheel, and on the plane.
6. Ride on a steam train.
7. Ride on an elephant.
8. Ride on a helicopter in Grand Canyon.
9. Watch the launch of a space shuttle.
10. Go to the Olympics or other large sports event.
11. Ride on a hot-air balloon.
12. Go skydiving.
13. Go to Antarctica.
And the last goal will make me really proud even if I don't manage to do all the above 13.
14. Go into outer space and experience weightlessness!

So far, I haven't really taken much risks. Here are the ones that I remember:

A. Got hit by a minivan and landed six yards away from the point of impact.
B. Had an argument with a muscular guy at the gym and almost got beaten up.
C. Took a dump in the female washroom, got caught by a woman and her two daughters, and casually washed my hands next to them as if nothing's wrong.

D. Shaved bald and wore a baseball cap for an entire month.
E. Talked with 2 female strangers a week (what this blog is all about).

Sometimes I worry about what will happen after I leave this world and whether people will remember me. I don't want to have any regrets, so that's why I'll try to live my life to the fullest.

Talked With 2 Men and 2 Women

As mentioned in the title, I am making progress. During these conversations, I noticed a trend. When I talked with men, I listened to what they said and was able to keep the conversation flowing for however long I wanted. The downside was that I didn't maintain much eye contact. But when I talked with women, I was quite nervous, didn't listen to them much, and often ran out of things to say. The upside was that I maintained quite a lot of eye contact.

I also made another discovery when talking with strangers. The best approach is when you have a reason to talk with them in the first place. Walking up to them and talking suddenly is more challenging and probably should be reserved for my higher-level future self. For now, the best approach is to stand/sit near some place where people don't know what they're doing. For example, in a library, I might sit next to the copier. If a woman doesn't know how to use it, I'll kindly ask if she needs some help. Another example is in the gym room. If a woman is clueless about a certain machine, I'll show her how to use it. I won't care if I'm currently doing the 9th repetition of the 3rd set of one-arm rows. Exercise can wait, women can't.

It's also possible to use the elevator trick. This works best when two women are discussing about some intriguing topic. It should be easier to express your views with them in this confined environment because the fact that the three of you are in the same elevator "proves" that you're somewhat related. A couple of days ago, two women were talking about how they hated eating sushi. I could've said that if they really had to eat sushi, then they should focus on salmon because the texture is more like meat. Anything else (like raw scallop) will just send you to the toilet. This does not, by all means, imply that you should keep riding the elevator or subway hours on end.

M1A2 Main Battle Tank

Today, I just saw someone who's missing his right hand and half his forearm. He's concealing it well because it's winter now. But how can he do this during the summer? I can imagine the pain he's been through, rejected because of his disability. This reminds me how fortunate I am to be in full health. And yet, all this time I've been living this pseudo-existence. Now's not to time to play it safe with women. I have to charge out like an M1 Abrams main battle tank.

Ikkitousen: Great Guardians

I just finished watching an anime series called Ikki Tousen: Great Guardians. It featured a cast of busty babes. Anyways, the most important message I got from one of the characters (Ryofu Housen) was this: "As long as I'm alive, even if there's only a 1 percent chance, I will fight to change my destiny with my own hands!" Hearing this, made me realize something. It made me realize I've been seeing the world in the wrong way all this time.

I've always thought that women want to trick or make fun of men for hitting on them, when actually the opposite is true. They just want to be loved much like men do. They "trick" us to see if we'll fight for them, even if there's only a 1 percent chance. I always thought that men and women are on different sides of the battlefield during dating when actually we're on the same side, just playing different roles. Maybe men are the soldiers and women are the medics, whatever, you know what I mean.

We got so influenced by society that we forgot what our purpose on earth is: To connect our mind and soul, through our bodies and the environment, with other people. Society has put all this money, power, and fame to mess with our thoughts. But I will try my best not to be confused by it from now on. I've been too heavily influenced by the average number of cars per household, the average age of marriage, and even the average penis size.

Now, I'm going to live from my heart. My purpose with women is not to sleep with dozens of women, nor to date a lot of attractive women to build up my resume, nor to have all the dating skills of a master pickup artist. It is simply to really get to know women and to find one who can share her mind with mine. Good sex is just a bonus. So I'll try my best now. If I get hurt in the process, I'll just tell myself that it's part of building up my future self. By the way, I seriously hope the Toastmasters have some busty babes.

P.S. The 2 female strangers a week still applies. I figured that almost everyone is figuring out what life is for. And I'm sure that those who've figured it out already know that life is for happiness. If I can make a stranger feel happy, even if just for a couple of minutes, then it's worth talking with them.

Second Attempt

Today, I finally talked a bit with a woman I'd been attracted to for a long time. Since it was 10 times more difficult to initiate conversation with her, I'll count this as talking to a stranger too. She had dark brown eyes, really dark brown hair, and clean teeth. To my surprise, she was actually pretty nice, at least during the conversation.

I'm not sure, but I think many women perceive me as visually intimidating. That may be one reason why some single women, who normally approach men, won't approach me. As of the moment, I can only recall less than 10 times when women have approached me. When I'm sitting alone on the subway, almost no women would sit next to me. What's with that? The whole train is flooded, but the seat next to mine is empty one-quarter of the time. Even men hesitate before they sit down. Hello! I'm just a normal person like anybody else.

I think I want to know this woman a bit more. She seems quite confident and I like that in women. People may initially assume insecure women to be nice, but actually their real personality (hidden underneath all the insecurities) may not match the original assumption.

First Attempt

This is my second post. I just talked with a woman. I started with a lame opener (where's the washroom?), but that still counts. I actually stuttered a bit, but hey, at least I tried. She had brown eyes, black hair, and (I'm sorry to say) pale yellow and crooked teeth. Not sure if she'll consider braces; they're available in transparent versions now.

New Year's Wish

This year, I made a slightly different new year's wish. Instead of hoping to get a girlfriend, I hope to talk to 2 female strangers a week. That'll be 104 female strangers during this year 2010.

Women who're on duty (e.g. waitresses and salespeople) don't count. It's okay if the stranger stares and snorts at me. What's important is that I opened my mouth first. To keep track of the women, I will record down their eye, hair, and teeth colors. So far, I've talked with none, so I still have some way to go.

My second wish is to write 3 pages (750 words) of my thriller novel every weekday during my rides on the subway. That'll be 15 pages a week; not an easy (but still manageable) task.