Is Physical Attraction Important?

I finally saw some additional photos of the online girl and discovered that her looks aren't what I originally expected. I don't want to seem shallow, but shouldn't there be at least some physical attraction if I am to progress further? Or are all women the same and that the only determining factor for their looks is their skill with makeup? Part of me tells me to continue trying to date her in order to gain experience and confidence with women. But the other part of me tells me not to hurt her anymore than I already have. I stood her up once and argued with her thrice. I don't think a future inevitable breakup will do her any good. I'm not saying that I'll abandon all future contact with her. I'll continue having her as a good friend, it's just that the feeling might not be there anymore.

Back On Good Terms

After a couple days of thinking and talking with friends, I realized how much of a jerk I had always been. I always only thought of myself and forgot to care about the feelings of others. For this online date, I asked her out on the third day of MSN, then I made up a lame excuse to cancel the date, then I said we should be friends, then I accused that she was a scam and asked her out again to see if she's just an ugly fat guy. If she's really a woman, which I'm pretty sure of, then she should be pretty hurt.

Realizing this, I apologized to her the following day. I admitted on being a jerk, just like now. Even though she said she wasn't mad, I knew she was and probably cried over it (or not). It's a good thing, apologizing, because it made her feel better, and somehow I feel better too. Even though this may not work out, at least I got a new friend.

Yesterday, I watched the DVD of Bruce Willis's Surrogates. That movie was pretty disturbing, talking about the future world where almost everyone operates a mechanical version of themselves (surrogates) to interact with other surrogates. And because of this technology, everyone made their appearances perfect (ex. Tom Cruise faces, DD-cup breasts, 10-inch penises). Yes, they could "feel" through their machines too. Sick, isn't it?

It made me think about how much people tend to their appearances, when it's really the mind and spirit that counts. Actually, even now, we're imitating surrogates by wearing clothes and styling our hair. For women, they put on makeup too, some noticeably wearing masks. What's up with this world? We should throw all our clothes away, which may or may not lead to more "street-style" sex lives.

Defenseless

I just had a good conversation with my online date. She said that I'm over-protective, unopen with my feelings, disrespectful towards people, over-demanding with people, and a loner with few friends. Whoa, that really blew all my armor away. I feel so vulnerable, I still feel the chills now. But that's good, at least I know what's wrong with me. I guess what she really wanted to say was that I have a fear of intimacy. Actually, I'm glad I didn't go out with her on Monday because it would just be an awkward dinner. At least now, after being shouted at, I know where my weakness is and where to improve.